A friend of mine recently mentioned someone she admired, noting how his calm, non-argumentative manner of conversing was likely why people from across the ideological spectrum considered him their friend. To be known for such gracious behavior should be a life goal for each of us—but getting there is easier said than done. Etiquette instructor Bethany Friske offers the following five tips to help us civilly navigate the waters of conversational rudeness and debate.
Win By Avoiding
Don’t debate “in a setting with other people that are held captive,” such as at a wedding reception, Ms. Friske says. “That is an inappropriate setting because it changes the whole dynamic of the table.” If others are determined to be ornery, look for ways to change the subject or find positive areas on which you can agree. “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it,” she says, paraphrasing Dale Carnegie.
(priscilladupreez/Unsplash)
Unleash the Questions
Asking questions not only helps tame flared tempers, but also can distract from rude comments. “Return a question before you answer it,” Ms. Friske says, noting that asking for more information often clarifies the crossed wires that can unintentionally lead to offenses. Throwing the question back “in a comical way, letting them know that was a little too personal,” is another way we can distract from and disarm offensive words.
Put the Onus on Yourself
We can make our points, express our beliefs, or insert new information into a conversation, but our conversation partner is more likely to listen if we make those points with a humble demeanor. Ms. Friske suggests prefacing our statements with “I could be wrong….” Doing so puts others at ease—even if we’re not wrong—giving more opportunity for them to accept and consider your position. 
(Helena Lopes/Unsplash)
Express Gratitude
When you realize that you and your conversation partner are going to have to agree to disagree, Ms. Friske suggests expressing gratitude to end the conversation on a positive note. Phrases such as “You’ve brought a lot of great information,” or “I’ve never quite looked at it that way before, thanks for bringing that to my attention,” and ”You’ve really given me something to think about” are disarming tools to keep in our back pockets.
Play Peacemaker
If you’re hosting an event and witness a heated discussion erupt, is it OK to intervene? “As a hostess, you absolutely can step in,” Ms. Friske says. “It is 100 percent acceptable and polite.” She suggests offering a distraction or changing the discussion, redirecting the conversation away from the sensitive subject causing tempers to flare. Guests can do the same, although Ms. Friske advises carefully reading the situation before entering it.This article was originally published in American Essence magazine.
