Commentary

Today’s culture says that “it’s not your fault” when bad things happen.

This is repeated so often that you can come to think that no one is responsible for anything that happens to them.

You’re even called a jerk or a “hater” if you hold people responsible for their life outcomes. It’s easier to just join the not-your-fault chorus.

Science has embraced the not-your-fault mindset. Academic “studies” usually support the view that people are not responsible for their situations in life. Two “science” books denying the existence of free will have become bestsellers recently. (I don’t want to mention the titles.) So you may be attacked as “anti-science” if you question the not-your-fault mindset.

Saying “It’s not my fault” feels good for a moment because it relieves the fear of criticism and helps you feel included. But in the long run, it makes you miserable. Here’s why:

1. You deprive yourself of dopamine when you don’t take responsibility. The joy of dopamine is released when you step toward a goal. You have no reason to take steps when you believe you are not responsible for what happens to you. Your “rational” brain learns to find “proof” that things are not your fault, so you avoid steps that would have sparked your dopamine.

2. You trigger cortisol when you blame others. You feel like a powerless victim when you blame external forces for your woes. Animal research on learned helplessness shows that high cortisol stress results. The brain stops the cortisol once you make a plan to step away from a perceived threat. But you don’t do that when you see yourself as a powerless victim of circumstances.

3. You miss the feedback that improves outcomes. The brain scans constantly for information relevant to your next step. When you say, “It’s not my fault,” your brain looks for information relevant to that instead of information that could have improved your next step. Feedback can be uncomfortable, but when you ignore it, you miss out on opportunities to enjoy better results.

You can’t control everything in the world around you, but you can control what you focus on. If you focus on things you control, you spark happy chemicals. If you focus on things you don’t control, you spark threat chemicals.

The exact percentage of life that you control doesn’t matter, so debating this question just builds the disempowered feeling and distracts you from taking the action that can make you feel good.

Dopamine has been misrepresented in recent years. We’re told that we have too much dopamine because of our devices. This suggests that putting down your device is all you need to do to be happy. But if you put down your device and sit around complaining with your not-my-fault friends, it doesn’t make you happy.

You can rip off the not-my-fault goggles and see the world without them. You will stop feeling like a powerless victim once you focus on your next step. You will let in valuable feedback, so your steps will get better results.

The not-your-fault culture makes this harder to do, but blaming the culture is just another not-my-fault meme.

You choose the culture you surround yourself with. You can limit your contact with people who tell you “it’s not your fault” and expect you to tell them that. You can stop engaging with finger-pointing content.

Steve Jobs’s famous graduation speech celebrated “misfits,” but it didn’t distinguish between misfits who take responsibility for their lives and misfits who don’t. The difference is huge.

If you become a misfit by focusing on your best next step, you will feel good.

If you become a misfit by avoiding responsible action and blaming others, you will end up feeling bad and you won’t even know why.

Jobs wanted to brand his computer with the cool misfit image, but he would not have wanted his own kids to be not-my-fault misfits.

The not-my-fault cult is eager to recruit you. If you join, you will put your energy into finding “evidence” that your life circumstances are not your fault, leaving less energy for your next step.

I recently heard a colleague say, “It all depends on your mind settings.” She may have said it by accident since she was not a native English speaker, but I suddenly saw the power of the term “mind settings.”

Think of personal responsibility as a setting. If you’re singing the not-my-fault tune, change the setting. You will find the joy of choosing your next step.